Chapter 1. When I were little

Since I was little, it always seemed to me that I was living some kind of repeating life. That all of this had already happened in my life. That I had already lived through it all.

I can't say that I was very different from others in appearance, or that I was different in my behavior. No, I did stupid things like everyone else. I did stupid things even more often than others. I learned from these stupid things what not to do. I realized this later.

I can’t say that I was better than the others. On the contrary, when I was a child, I was just the ugly duckling. I was clumsy, I had thin hair, I had pimples, and oh my God, I was a genius. I was very quick to think, at five years old I already knew how to read quickly, solve math problems, write, for which I was loved by the teacher and hated by my classmates and their parents who thought that I was a hotshot just because I was very capable.

Since I was a child, I had a very strong intuition. I could hear people’s thoughts, and I knew for sure that I wasn’t crazy. That’s why I always knew if my friends started to be friends against me and it was difficult for me with friends. All my friends at school were always friends against each other, so I didn’t want to get too close to anyone because I didn’t like it. But I did have one beloved friend.

She was only two days older than me and our moms were even in the maternity hospital together. With this friend I went through all my most important teenage lessons. She was closer to me than my mom.

My mom is a separate and very hot button for me. My mother was a very complicated person. She had a difficult childhood and she grew up as a narcissist. My brother, who was older than me by eight years, was her favorite, and I was the person she projected all her anger and pain on. I had to be perfect — but no matter what I did, it was never enough.

So I grew up always trying to prove that I was worthy of love. That I could be enough for someone. And maybe that’s where all of this really began.